of how you just move on ...

Okay so its been about two weeks since my last post and i can hardly believe how much i've changed since then... i can feel myself getting stronger with every word that i type.. Its funny how wisdom sometimes comes from the most unexpected sources and even funnier how they inspire you...atleast me. Its like i am making a fresh start full of vigor and enthusiasm and for all this i'm indebted to you "M" ... You have no idea how much those two hours mean to me... i think you just saved me... I think i'll be okay now..

Of how things change...

Time: Exactly one year ago...I think 3 A.M on 8th November, 2008
Place: Delhi ... My room
Scenario: Me sitting on my swivle chair and playing around with these wild thoughts in my head about my "would be" life in Amreeka !!! I had always pictured my life there ( i mean here)... while all my college friends were busy job hunting i was busy musing. I had never been much of a job person from the very beginning.. I had always wanted to study ... it gives me a high when i read something and totally understand it.

And so this dream of studying in US was something that i was really looking forward to.... But then studying wasnt the only thing . The bikes, the babes, the beauty... all the things a boy next door would imagine in his dreams were the next most important attractions...
I always thought that the place would just take me in as if i were the missing link.
I thought i'd have it easy.
I thought i was made for this place.
I thought i wouldnt miss people back home.
I thought i would be calling this my home.
I thought i would finally find my Syrianna.

Cut to : Today:
Time: 2:11 A.M on 8th November, 2009
Place: My couisin's apartment, thousands of miles away from home
Scenario: Me sitting on the couch, with a few books and a few notes to study for the mid term... but writing this instead. Confused, unsure, worried, blank at times... moisture in my eyes..
So what went wrong ?? What happened to the dream ??? the picture i painted back then ??? Did someone step over it ?? Well even i dont have the answer to those questions.... I feel i wear this veneer of happyness over my face.. trying to had the sadness that prevails beneath. I chill out with friends.. crack jokes.. go crazy laughing.. but inside i feel myself dying... I dont think i'm happy at all. There are days that i feel this is just a bad dream and it'll soon end and i'll wake up in my bed, in my room..at home.. mom, dad... and her ...... but then i know its not gonna happen... What have i done ?? is it for the good or bad ?? i dont knw.. i really dont know... What happened to the guy who was always on top of his game.. The guy so many have their hopes set on ... The guy who most of all believed in himself...

I just hope its not too late... i just hope i dont let this demon of insecurity eat me up ... i just hope i become the old me once again.... I just hope that i realize how much is at stake .... I hope that god gives me another chance .... and I hope if given that chance i take it with both hands and do what im' here for...