i need a playlist !!

So yes the worst state ever. Its not work, not friends, not family, not the food either. Its me. My bloody heart. Its just not willing to let go. I cant do anything. Can't concentrate, can't sleep, eat or work. I cant even see properly. It makes me see her wherever i look. It makes me relive the moments again and again. And I now see what I had been longing for such a loong time. But this is not the solution to my problem. This is actually worsening it. I need to move on since I cant change anything. I had to lie since my one truth could have screwed up three lives. Now its screwing up only one which is a significant improvement and considering the one being screwed up is me makes me happy. I take solace in the fact that at least someone is fine.

So the question is how to take my mind off of her. I need something strong, really strong. I mean I'm in office right now and writing a blog for heaven's sake. I need to get back on track and fast. I have a few options : alcohol , gym and music. Alcohol n gym i'll do neway. What I really need is a good playlist . Need to move on ... Will have to dig up some good songs. Its high time to tame the lawless heart .

Me and the opposite sex

After days of turmoil, deliberation and hair-picking i finally decided to let this one come out. Any resemblance to people living or dead is totally intentional. This warning though doesnt even count coz nobody reads my blog anyway :) so actually i dont even care. I just write what i want to , when i write depends on when the conflict ( that i referred to in the first line) is resolved.

Anyways, so yea me and the opposite sex is actually a memoir aimed at capturing some highlights of my past ... good and bad both but more importantly the ones that just keep bugging me time and again . I just cant let go of them or maybe couldnt let go. I hope keying them down might actually help me get rid of them for good or so I hope.

So here it goes.... I have always had these weird encounters with girls ( opposite sex is kinda creepy..) .. i dont know if i was the only one who felt that way. So after double checking i can proudly say there are 6 in all.... yes 6 females who have been there and are still there .... just wont let me move on ( i did move on from 1 to 6 ... but this it ... no more... i need to clear the cache !!!! )

I think what can help the cause is if i jus write what crosses my mind when i think of them .... maybe then i'll be ok..

1. Ms Bird ... thats the literal meaning of her name . She was the first one. One who sends that sweet shock down your spine. Makes you think of her day in and out. The most prominent memory and the one that crosses my mind time and again is of the month of May about 12 years ago !! ... it was lunch recess. I was standing outside the class leaning against the wall , my eyes fixed on the classroom door at the far corner waiting for her to come out. Just then she did come out with her friends by her side hand in hand , smiling to glory , killing me inside with each step she took ... She was looking at me but talking to her friend and not for an instance breaking the gaze. She passed me by still holding the gaze , gave me the sweetest of the smiles and then turned round the corner. That was the day i left the school and the day the 15 days old romance ended. Her face still lingers and i keep on thinking what if .....

2. Ms Friend of the Society .... thats the literal meaning of her name. This one i admit was love at first sight. Thunderbolt ?? Yes ladies and gentlemen , indeed it was. Saw her enter the bus giggling , the prettiest schoolgirl , playfully teasing an 8 year old kid, exchanging hi's with one and all and finally stopping to talk to me. Pure magic i say. 4 years she was around me and i could not say it. Among the several beautiful memories of her there's a bitter one which just takes away all the sweetness. It was summer time and on that day there was a bus strike. So autos were the only only modes of communication. She was with me and we hired an auto to go home. He asked for 100 bucks which we initially decided to share. But here i must state ---> I WAS BROKE ... not a penny in my pocket. Anyway so the ride was awesome. The sweltering heat could not take away the wonderful time we both had. I could tell from her face. In that one hour i knew more about her than i had known in the last 4 years. But like all fairytales this one had to end too. So there is this place which is about 2 miles from my place and about 1.5 miles from hers but the directions were opposite. So she got down but i wanted her to take the auto, i could have walked. But i knew i had no money to give. My ego did not allow me to borrow from her. So as soon as she stepped out, i told the auto walla to drive and just waved at her. She was taking money out from her wallet but we dint wait. So i left just like that .... no goodbyes ... no nothing .... just raced away .. This was the last day i ever saw her or spoke to her. Rumor has it that soon after that day she went abroad.

3. Ms Poo ... her nickname. This one was very short ... mostly from her side but soon enough i got equally involved. The sweetest memory is in coed mess. I was coming up the mess stairs to get dinner. She was sitting with all of her friends right across from where the staircase ended. As i look back it seems that they were waiting for me only coz as soon as our eyes met the mess was filled with chants of Vishal and Poo ... I could have done it then . Brought it out in the open and my life perhaps would have been different but as u might have guessed i dint. And soon enough the chants also faded and so did the romance. But the memory still lingers....

4. Ms Victory ... yes sir she was one helluva girl. The first real crush i must concede. Saw her about 6 years ago from the tinted window of a third hand cab and there she was dressed in a white salwar kameez about to sit on a bike beside a college senior (I secretly hated with no apparent reason and from that instant hated him even more ) . However, the hatred soon dissolved when the bloke next to me (worried looking at my pale face) informed that the senior was indeed her Brother !!! ... I was born again that day .... Though i remember everything about her the strongest memory is when i saw her dance on the stage. That was something. She often comes dancing into my dreams and just perks me up whenever i feel low but i need her out too. She has somehow taken away something away from me ... its been 2 years now.. she needs to go too.

5. Ms Limitless .... she indeed doesnt have any. Can go to any lengths to irritate you with her stupid comments and her stupid hair. The sweet part is too sweet to forget i think. The bad part is too bad to keep. The dance in the rain, the kiss, the song , the dance yet again will always be there with me ..... i just need to get rid of the bad part. I hope i do.

6. Ms Goddess ... or is she. Deceptive ?? I think yes... Sweet ?? yes .. maybe. Do i know her ?? I thought i did ... Whatever i do , just cant seem to figure her out. The moment i think i have everything sorted out , she just brings me flat down on my face and i'm lost again. Pehli mulakat : Saw her talking on her phone trying to blend in with the crowd .... all strangers ... meeting for a common cause. She first struck me for the intellectual type ... all brain ... soon figured out there was more to that smile. I think i fell for her when i saw her after about 4 months from the first encounter. I think the smile did me in yet again. Remember the first one was also about the smile too.... The fact that she could so easily guess what was going on inside my head kind of amazed me. I felt myself losing control i think and so distanced myself from her obviously against natural instinct. I dont know what would have happened if i hadnt done that and dont even want to second guess. The fact is i'm in too deep to turn back and try to make it right. I'm done with it .... I hope she lets me be.

So i think this is it. Everything there is to it is finally here.... phew. I hope i get to have a good night's sleep now. I need to get up early tomorrow. Goodnight.

Desires ....

There is this innate desire to be in the limelight all the time. Maybe its because i was a major recluse as a kid and so i am making up for it now. ..lame

And i dont know why but i have this desire to take offence at the slightest offensive or "not meant to be" offensive remark and dont forget it for a long time. And the best part is that i wont even tell the people concerned why am i so uptight either. But you know, after the initial steam has ebbed, i start behaving normally with them which confuses them and they dont know how to react to it. I like that.

And finally i desire rather my dil desires ( in perfectly non se**** sense) someone... a girl ( ooobviously !! ) i really like her .. love ?? well yes i think so.. i do love her.. But u know its totally unselfish. I dont expect her to reciprocate .... coz it isint the what-wud-i-do-without-u kinda love.. its about knowing and desiring and being content with just that.

To be continued ?? maybe ... if i desire

Thoughts..... or whatever you may call them

Its 2010 and i dont know what to write ....lame. .. still ( just for the heck of it ...)

I don't know what to blog.

I cannot make conversations

I want to learn java.

I am caught up with 551

I care for my friends (they care for me even though they do not show it)

I had a mega fight with a girl-who-is-just-a-friend and it is rather bad. (She does not want to see my face) .... ( like she could see it neway ..sitting thousands of miles away.... lame)

I played Mafia Wars yesterday

I am desperate for a job.

I watched movies the whole day yesterday.

I just finished reading Dijkshatra's Algorithm.

I apologized to my friend and got no response

Di said the movie "Alice in wonderland" is promising

Tomorrow is Saturday

I am hard working but lazy

I have 2 mega assignments to do (If my counting is right .. proj3 and term paper)

I have major interests in photography (cannot afford equipments though)

I love the color blue

I will be learning java soon

I have not gone to college today

I am about to leave for gym

My ex girl-friend once said "Falling in love is easy but hard to maintain". It is true and i hate her.

And i don't always mean what i write.

I am bad at what I do but then the above statement holds true.

I play Mafia Wars in Facebook

I will learn Adobe Photoshop eventually

I need time to understand myself

I am complicated

I still dont have a job or an internship.

I need very much of attention

I want to own a Trimaran

I want to have 3 kids

I hope I can continue writing tit bits

I am still waiting for a response

I use Pirate Bay and mu torrent.

I love reading

I am missing my mom

I am loving Amreeka

I watch Pakistani roadies

Temptation Island is a great show.

If u are still reading this, then what can i say ..... you know it yourself ...

Random .....

The good part ......

A group of seven best friends ....

one all set to graduate from an IIM,

one all set to enter an IIM,

one all set to start working with SBI,

one already working as a scientist with ISRO,

one who's just started a promising career with NSN,

one handling a business of his own ...

As I scan the above list of 6 dudes, it just fills my heart with contentment. I feel proud to have friends like them. I love em.

Here's the sad part.....

But now when the bar has been raised so much who would believe the one last friend who hasn't been referred to yet, can be such a screw up . But you know, as it turns out, he is. I am. Such is life. Yet another days goes by. And I move on.

?????

Vishal

Is wondering what is he doing with his life?

Is he living it, loving it or kicking it while he’s still alive?

He is experiencing something different, something new.. as ever! He’s understanding pain. He’s understanding people. he’s listening to a certain voice inside himself! The kind he heard in the past, from some people, many people, and had wondered why – just why? What’s the point in living like that?

Maybe this is what had alluded him all this while, all these years actually. Growing up! Maybe it is about learning to live with confusions. Maybe it is about believing that life is (pardon my language) screwed and the only adjective for the way it is going to be lived is ‘ironically’. An inner thought process that consists of hate, love and associated complexities.. and in giving up on it.. comes the release.. the acceptance.. and the living! Sounds complicated?

To put it simply, going with the flow!

of how you just move on ...

Okay so its been about two weeks since my last post and i can hardly believe how much i've changed since then... i can feel myself getting stronger with every word that i type.. Its funny how wisdom sometimes comes from the most unexpected sources and even funnier how they inspire you...atleast me. Its like i am making a fresh start full of vigor and enthusiasm and for all this i'm indebted to you "M" ... You have no idea how much those two hours mean to me... i think you just saved me... I think i'll be okay now..